NBC
Julia Louis-Dreyfus turns 54-years old today. That might not seem like such an exceptional idea, but did you see her at the Golden Globes? This woman looks like she’s practically immortal. The star of Veep might have lost to a newcomer this year, but she is still the reigning champion of our hearts for her amazing career that has established her as one of the funniest actresses of all-time. From her short run on Saturday Night Live to her current gig as a hilariously foul-mouthed second-in-command, JLD is awesome at whatever she does, as evidenced by her antics with the equally-lovable Bryan Cranston at last year’s Emmy ceremony.
But no matter what Dreyfus does from here on out, she will always be best known for her role as Elaine Benes on Seinfeld. To honor this hilarious, beautiful and just flat out awesome woman on her birthday, I decided to rally my team of brilliant scientists and flawless fact-checkers to reconfigure our Nobel Prize-snubbed formula that delivered a perfect ranking of Jerry’s girlfriends on Seinfeld to determine which of Elaine’s boyfriends were the biggest dorks, douchebags and dipsh*ts. Go to the kitchen and get yourselves a snack or two, because this list is a doozie.
YouTube
Introducing the Shiksa Appeal Scoring System
In order to determine which of Elaine’s boyfriends and sinful lovers were the worst, my scientists had to consider a number of attributes and qualities. Among them: speaking proximity, tempers, sexual orientation, hideous jacket preferences, face-punchability, smugness, how they wear their hats, last names, smile attractiveness, smoking habits, first date penis exposure, and stance on abortion, among others. And unlike the rankings for Jerry’s girlfriends, I am not going to remove her first boyfriend, Jerry, from the equation. The following male characters, however, do not count…
Dan, “The Limo” – It wasn’t clear if there was something more to Dan and Elaine than just friendship, but her familiarity with a well-known Nazi put an end to it all.
Eduardo Corrochio, “The Good Samaritan” – He was made up. But it would have been great if she’d actually met a Spanish bullfighter at some point.
JFK Jr., “The Contest” – It’s such a shame that Jerry sent Marla crying into John-boy’s arms. He could have whisked Elaine away from all of her troubles.
Ricky, “The Cigar Store Indian” – Elaine should have had a restraining order against this weirdo.
The Rabbi, “The Postponement” – Who asks a woman to go to a timeshare in Myrtle Beach for their first date?
Bob Grossberg, “The Friar’s Club” – Bob deserves a little credit for the way he used his handicap to push all of his work off on Elaine, but he was still just a perv.
Mr. Lippman and His Son, “The Serenity Now” – What if Elaine had agreed to date Mr. Lippman? That would have been awkward when his son told everyone how he Frenched his dad’s girlfriend.
Denim Vest and the Betting Parlor Guys, “The Strike” – Creeps need love, too, but Elaine is a fickle woman with 50 more boyfriends to judge.
Those losers aside, please allow a flawless scientific process to determine the very worst of Elaine’s boyfriends…
50) Robert, “The Beard”
YouTube
Being gay doesn’t lose a guy points, especially since he gave the other team a whirl and decided that he was better off not dealing with Elaine anymore. Okay, maybe that wasn’t necessarily his reason, but we all saw what kind of bullets he dodged by not sticking around for the final three seasons of the show.
49) The adoption agency guy, “The Yada Yada”
YouTube
It’s not his fault that he was used for the sake of securing an adoption for Elaine’s friends. Just look at that dude. Exchanging his professional services for sexual favors is just part of the fast-paced life of New York City, but that’s clearly a guy who didn’t get many opportunities for selective placement, if you catch my hidden meaning and double entendre.
48) Keith Hernandez, “The Boyfriend”
There were some who argued that Keith Hernandez could have been on Jerry’s list as well, and I could have justified it because both he and Elaine were stupid for ending this relationship over trivial matters. If Keith Hernandez needs you to help him move a couch, you help the guy move a couch. If he wants to smoke a cigarette now and then, you let the guy smoke a cigarette. He was way better than most of the other losers that Elaine spent an episode with.
47) Fred, “The Pick”
Fred had a pretty solid reason for ending things with Elaine – how do you just miss a button like that when you’re taking photographs that you’ll be sending out to everyone you know and love? He lost a few points for dating within his office, but it couldn’t have been going on that long if he was so offended that everyone else she knows saw her nipple at the same time that he did.
46) Joel Rifkin, “The Masseuse”
Being concerned that you’re dating a man with a serial killer’s exact name is one thing, and convincing a guy that he should change his name because of that coincidence is really stretching the limits of scientific relationship boundaries. However, to take control of the matter like Elaine did and try to manipulate the naming process left Joel with a very easy decision to make. She’s lucky he didn’t kill her.
45) Darryl Nelson, “The Wizard”
NBC
Far and away the most boring boyfriend that Elaine had through all nine seasons. Who goes to the GAP on a date? He gained points for always agreeing to eat at Mexican restaurants, though, because that’s just good taste in general, even if it was because he somehow thought it meant Elaine was Mexican. I’m not sure we should be talking about this.