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Like most people in my coveted demographic, I probably watch as many Seinfeld reruns on TBS and my local stations as I do brand new shows, despite the fact that I’ve seen every episode dozens of times and constantly quote them when I’m telling stories to my dog. What can I say? Even the 75th viewing of “The Serenity Now” is still funnier than anything that has ever happened on Two and a Half Men.
But possibly unlike most people, I overanalyze almost everything about the ridiculousness of Seinfeld, and I try to rationalize a lot of what happened to Jerry and the gang as if it happened in real life. How many ways would Joe Davola have chopped up Kramer’s body once he kicked him in the head? At what point would Jerry have decided that enough was enough and moved without telling Kramer? When would Elaine finally settle into a loveless marriage with a wealthy man? How old would George Costanza have been when his heart finally exploded?
The one question that came up in a conversation with a friend, though, was “Who was Jerry’s best girlfriend?” That friend – we’ll call him Bob Sacamano – eventually challenged me to make a ranking of Jerry’s best girlfriends. “But not just one of those ‘Who was the hottest’ lists with no detail,” he demanded. “I’m talking a thorough, scientific analysis based on everything that we look for in a woman.” Later, he’d say that he was joking, but it was already too late.
My mind began racing and my fingers began typing, as I watched old episodes yet again and went through detailed breakdowns of every episode. Thus, I decided that I’d rank the 50 best girlfriends that Jerry dated on Seinfeld, using 1-10 scales for the following categories: Personality, Intelligence, Looks, Cleanliness, Sense of Humor, Compassion, Fidelity, and an overall “Gaga” factor. I call this scoring system the Kavorka Score, and the results will forever be locked inside my safe because this system is too powerful to fall into the wrong man hands.
The only girlfriend not considered in this ranking is Elaine, because she was the first and a core part of the show. Plus, we never really talk about it, but Elaine was as lousy at commitment as Jerry was. In fact, I’m surprised she and Jerry didn’t have their own tractor stories by the time the show aired its finale. Otherwise, every girlfriend over the span of all nine seasons has been considered, and with that said, I give you this very scientific ranking of Seinfeld’s girlfriends.
The Women that Didn’t Make the Cut
Sandra (“The Cheever Letters”): I understand that she was turned off by Jerry’s terrible sex talk –“You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” – but she didn’t have to rat him out to Elaine.
Bridgette (“The Diplomat’s Club”): She was very attractive but barely on the show. I still could have made a case for her to be No. 1 based on that.
Gail Cunningham (“The Shoes”): She wouldn’t kiss Jerry. That’s pretty messed up.
Margaret (“The Big Salad”): She dated Newman and wasn’t “his type.” That’s a damning statement.
Angela (“The Good Samaritan”): Jerry should have just turned her into the cops for the hit-and-run so he could date Becky Gelke.
Corinne (“The Marine Biologist”): Carol Kane might have been Jerry’s absolute worst love interest.
Naomi (“The Bubble Boy”): The awful laugh was one thing, but I hold grudges against everyone that was involved with Caddyshack II.
Sue Ellen Mischke (“The Caddy”): Sure, the braless wonder was a great candidate, but they didn’t actually date. It was just infatuation.
Shelly (“The Doodle”): After Fletch, Dana Wheeler-Nicholson should have been at least a B-list actress. I’d like to know what happened to her career that made her so unsuccessful.
Lisi (“The Sentence Finisher”): She was awful.
Keith Hernandez (“The Boyfriend”): I still think they could have had one season that featured Keith in the gang as Jerry’s best friend.
50) Amy “The Glasses”
I’m sure the Breaking Bad faithful would want Anna Gunn to get a little more credit on this list, but Amy barely scores well in any of the categories, mainly because she could be confused for an overweight cop kissing a horse that looked like Cousin Jeffrey. Kavorka Score: 3.5
49) Gwen “The Strike”
The “Two Face” was the only of Jerry’s girlfriends that actually scared me. She looked like a Faces of Meth poster child in the car, and I know that this is more superficial than it is scientific, but nobody’s going to win this contest by scoring a zero in looks. Kavorka Score: 4.7
48) Sheila “The Soup Nazi”
That’s a zero on the Personality factor for any adult woman who uses cutesy nicknames in my book, and it should be a negative score for convincing the man to do it as well. Realistically, Sheila was Jerry’s lowest point in terms of his dating life. Kavorka Score: 4.87
47) Gillian “The Bizarro Jerry”
Gillian had the looks of a supermodel, attractive enough to get George to the other side and in with women he had no business speaking to, but the hands of George “The Animal” Steele, as Jerry so kindly put it. It’s a shame, because she could have been a Top 5er if not for her ability to crack the top on a beer that isn’t a twist-off. Kavorka Score: 5.01
46) Jeannie “The Foundation”
Janeane Garafolo’s character was the female version of Jerry, and while we certainly loved watching him each week, it’s clear that Jerry was a horrible human being. In all, Jeannie was a pretty average entrant in this battle, but her lack of compassion keeps her on the lower end. Kavorka Score: 5.15
45) Sophie “The Burning”
Oh Sophie. Poor, sweet, gorgeous Sophie. Rock bottom scores in Intelligence and Cleanliness have ruined what should have been a title contender. It’s such a shame that she got gonorrhea from riding on a tractor. Kavorka Score: 5.82
44) Meryl “The Wife”
Young Courteney Cox could have been a contender for a repeat girlfriend, but the thing that always bothered me about Jerry’s relationship with Meryl was how eager they were to say, “I love you.” And she kept score? That’s a red flag and drops all of her scores by several points. Kavorka Score: 6.11
43) Marlene “The Ex-Girlfriend”
If this had been a ranking based on my own personal opinions and not on precise scientific measurements and theories, Marlene wouldn’t have made the cut because she never made sense. Why would Jerry ever chase George’s ex-girlfriends? Because of her sexy voice? Puh-leeze, this is just pure nonsense and my scientific ranking process agrees. Kavorka Score: 6.17
42) Jodi “The Masseuse”
Long before she was Stifler’s mom, Jennifer Coolidge was perhaps Jerry’s most unlikable girlfriend in terms of personality. Sure, George has always been obnoxious and was far less endearing for it in the show’s early seasons, but she was just flat out mean to him. Her refusal to give Jerry a massage – despite the fact that he was forcing her hands upon his shoulders and neck – was far too suspicious. But why would Jerry want to continue a relationship with her knowing that she’s had her hands on Kramer? This whole situation was gross. Kavorka Score: 6.49
41) Audrey “The Pie”
It’s like my scientific grandfather always said, “Never trust a girl who won’t try your apple pie.” Additionally, while Audrey may not have known that “Poppie’s been a little bit sloppy,” she should have been disgusted enough for the sake of cleanliness to forgive Jerry for seemingly mocking her in Poppie’s restaurant. That she didn’t shows some extremely poor character flaws. Kavorka Score: 6.56